Why Are Women Still Managing Men's Health?
Like many of us, Lauren Bravo, 38, has become the health secretary for her marriage. FollowGraziaon GoogleWe'd been dating for less than a year when I sent my now-husband to have a mole removed. It was early. . .
Like many of us, Lauren Bravo, 38, has become the health secretary for her marriage. FollowGraziaon GoogleWe'd been dating for less than a year when I sent my now-husband to have a mole removed. It was early enough in the relationship that he was still prepared to do scary things just to impress me, like having the back of his neck sliced open, and I didn't realise at the time what a triumph it was. The mole was benign, but I've been trying to keep him alive ever since. Sixteen years later, I still remind my 40-year-old husband to put sun cream on that neck. I buy him vitamins. I google his rashes. I explain what fibre is and how food poisoning happens. I have fallen, like so many before me, into a well-worn gender groove: that of a woman managing a man'shealthfor him. I don't love it, but I do love him. So here we are. It's not just me; I'm surrounded by others in my position and worse. Women booking GP appointments for men, or marching them to urgent care centres. Begging not just their reluctant partners, but often fathers and brothers too, to take medication, drink water, eat vegetables. 'I constantly feel like a bad guy,' says Louise, 37, whose efforts to keep her diabetic husband healthy include daily reminders to take his insulin. 'I've tried to stop nagging, but seeing the impact his illness has on him and on my life as a parent means I can't – he couldn't drive for a year after he had to have eye surgery. He's a good man and father, but he's useless at looking after himself. 'Of course, we don't want to manage our partner's health for them, because it's exhausting for us and infantilising for them. But we also don't want them to get sick and die. Carrie, a 40-year-old mother-of-two, finds her husband's refusal to go to the doctor 'extremely triggering' because her own father died of cancer at 49, after ignoring his symptoms. 'I refuse to do these things for him, as I already carry the emotional weight of our household,' she says. 'But sometimes I worry that I'll be the one who pays for it. 'This isn't to say anyone should be blamed forfalling ill– but being the health secretary for a household can take its toll on a woman's own wellbeing. 'We become so focused on them that we stop looking after our own health''When we try to take responsibility for something that's not ours to own, we are setting ourselves up for an impossible task,' says Dr Rebekah Shallcross, clinical psychologist and founder of The Feminist Therapy Centre. 'We may end up over-extending and burning out. Or we become so focused on them that we stop looking after our own health. 'We could also end up with an ailing relationship. 'There is a danger that we enter into a parent-child dynamic with our partner,' she says. 'We might find ourselves inadvertently shaming or trying to control our partner, which doesn't feel good for either party and can erode trust. 'The imbalance can trigger break-ups and breakdowns. 'In the end I had to leave the relationship to keep me well,' says Suzanne, 31, who developed ulcers and migraines after years spent trying to persuade her fiancé to seek help for symptoms he was determined to ignore. 'I'm now single and looking for a man who proactively looks after himself. 'In order to improve things we have to understand why they're like that and why we're like this. 'Men's reluctance to seek help is often explained as men being stubborn, stoical or not caring, but that misses the point,' says Professor Paul Galdas, professor of men's health at the University of York and chair of England's National Men's Health Academic Network. 'Men do care about their health. Research has told us that the barriers are usually practical and cultural — work patterns, difficulty getting an appointment, bad previous experiences, not being sure whether a symptom "counts", ideas about toughness, self-reliance, and not wanting to be a burden. 'Women, of course, face many of the same hurdles – but maybe we just don't have the luxury of being able to opt out of healthcare. Menstruation,contraception, pregnancy andmenopausegive us regular reasons to become health-literate. Last year, Galdas advised on England's first ever Men's Health Strategy, launched by former Health Secretary Wes Streeting and partnering with the Premier League, to empower men to take charge of their health. The strategy includes investing £3 million into community-based men's health programmes, designed to reach those most at risk and least likely to engage with traditional services. 'A good, equitable health system should not quietly depend on the women around men to keep them well,' says Galdas. The fact remains, as Shallcross points out, that 'women are socialised to take care of others in relationships' and yet we can only do so much. Perhaps it should be enough to discuss healthcare, and self-care, as a way for our partners to function better and enjoy life for longer — with us. When I finally got my depleted husband on to iron supplements he became sweetly evangelical. 'I don't feel tired all the time!' he declared. 'Great!' I told him. 'That must be nice. 'Lauren Bravo is an award-winning journalist and author who writes about fashion, food, popular culture, food, travel and feminism. You can find more of her work on her Substack,Nobody Wanted This. Just so you know, we may receive a commission or other compensation from the links on this website -read why you should trust us